


Whatever Lengths Necessary

by Skyril



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Corrin's POV, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fire Emblem Fates fanfiction, Fire Emblem Jakob and Corrin fanfiction, Fire Emblem fates Jakob and Kamui, Hurt/Comfort, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-17
Updated: 2016-05-24
Packaged: 2018-06-09 02:35:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6885619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skyril/pseuds/Skyril
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"They took Jakob. He could be… He could be… I cover my mouth with my hand, run my fingers through my hair. No. No. Impossible. He’s alive. He has to be. They would keep him, question him. He has to be alive. He has to be!"</p><p>After a desperate battle, Corrin is on the battlefield, searching for survivors or wounded allies...</p><p>When she finds out that Jakob has been taken by the enemy she must decide what lengths she's willing to go to to get him back... But will she still deserve him in the end if she does?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, I'm sorry. I'm terribly behind on absolutely everything. I have probably four or five fanfictions in various degrees of completion, and here I go writing another story entirely before I finish any of them. 
> 
> This one actually evolved from almost the opposite idea... I started writing one in which Jakob does for Corrin what she decides to do for him in this one. Then I got this kind of involved idea, and I had to write it. The other story may or may not go unfinished... I'm not sure. It's much shorter... probably won't be longer than 1500 words, so I might finish it and post it to my Precious Moments collection, even though it isn't quite so "mini."
> 
> Er, warning, by the way, I almost considered clicking, "graphic depictions of violence." There really isn't any in this chapter, but the second chapter will have at least a bit... although it will be more a recollection of what happened without a lot of details, rather than the actual experience...
> 
> This story will most likely have three chapters. Possibly four, but probably three... And I should be finished with the second one soon. 
> 
> Otherwise, as I said, I have much in the works. That surprise story based off of art that I talked about before? I've been working a lot on that one. It grew rather larger than I expected it to be, and then I hit a few snags including having to re-write a few scenes, so... That's coming along slowly but steadily. I'm hoping I'll have that out sooner rather than later...
> 
> In the meantime, this story is a bit darker and certainly longer than most I write, but I desperately hope you enjoy it. ^.^
> 
> Long live Jakob and Corrin!

After the battle, everyone is covered in blood. Moans fill the valley from the wounded or dying. Those strong enough to walk are either making their way to a healer or picking over the bodies, searching for friends or for enemies who have not yet succumbed to their wounds. 

I am still breathless, the exertion, the madness, the adrenaline making me twitch at every sound. In one hand I grip Yato, unwilling to sheath it until I know everyone is safe, and in the other, I hold a festal for those allies I find that need immediate help.

I have a gash along my arm from a paladin’s lance and scratches from swords and arrows I didn’t completely dodge, but I don’t go looking for someone to heal me. Jakob will surely find me soon enough anyway, and I can’t leave the battlefield until I’ve searched every face and determined there are no friends dying in the dirt or enemies waiting for me to turn my back.

There’s a fighter lying face down, and I cautiously nudge him with the toe of my boot until he rolls over enough for me to see his face. His eyes are mostly closed, glazed over, and his jaw is hanging open slightly, blood on his lips. I move on.

I pass over many dead enemies, confirming their eyes hold no spark of life before continuing my search. I come to a copse of trees with three dead Nohrians, and I crouch next to one, looking with regret at his youthful face. I hear a groan behind me, and I instantly straighten, searching for the source of the sound. When he coughs, my eyes land on a familiar form lying on the roots of a tree… Hinata… and my heart stops in my chest at the state he’s in. I rush to his side, falling to my knees beside him. “Hinata,” I mutter trying and failing to keep the fear from my voice as I examine the javelin lodged in his stomach. “Hinata, can you hear me?” 

“L-Lady Cor—“ He coughs up blood, and I tell him to stop speaking. I quickly glance around me before setting down my sword. I’ve only just begun to learn how to use staves, and I have no idea what I should do now. Pull the lance from his stomach first or heal the tissue, ignoring the javelin and hope it works itself out? I lick my lips, fighting back the panic. I want to go get Sakura or Felicia or anyone else who knows healing better than I, but there’s no time. Hinata is barely clinging to life as it is. If I pull the javelin from him I might kill him before I have the chance to heal him, but if I don’t… he will surely suffer an unimaginable amount of pain. 

I swear and brush the hair from his eyes. “Hinata, listen to me. I’m going to help you… but it will hurt.” He looks at me, but I’m not sure he understands, the usual cocky grin he wears nowhere in sight. “You _will_ survive this, do you understand me? …That’s an order.” He nods weakly at me, and I grasp his hand for a moment with relief. Then I let go and grip my staff tightly, raising it above me. I shut my eyes, focusing my power until I feel it glowing in my chest. The magic imbued wood of the festal in my hands vibrates with life... The curative magic seeping into Hinata’s body like a mist passing through a screen. I feel the wound begin to knit itself back together, torn, dying flesh repairing itself and regenerating. The javelin starts shifting in his gut, and Hinata starts screaming. I clench my jaw, sweat trickling down my back, and keep working, trying to drown out his agonized cries by focusing entirely on the healing, forcing the power into him whether he wants it or not.

I sense the blood start to pump harder through him as his organs repair around the foreign object lodged in him, and Hinata’s scream hits a fevered pitch. I take a strangled breath, hands gripping so tightly on the staff, my knuckles turn white. The magic is draining me of strength and filling Hinata with life. If he can just hold on a little longer… 

The bloody lance falls to the ground, his skin closing after it until there’s nothing but a bloody gash, and I’m spent. I collapse on the dirt, taking desperate, shuddering breaths, my arms shaking... But something is wrong. What is it? Something is— Then I realize Hinata is silent. 

I push myself up with trembling hands and see his eyes are closed, his face slack. “Please no. Please no. You have to live, Hinata. I ordered you to live!” I place my fingers at his throat and hold my breath, praying… and… and… and… after tense seconds of nothing, I feel it! His heartbeat! He’s alive. I cover my face with my hands, letting out a sound that is half sob and half laugh of relief, overwhelmed by the terror and the relief simultaneously.

“Corrin!” A distant voice cries above me, and I look up. Hinoka on her pegusus has just spotted me, and I thank the gods. 

“Hinoka!” I reply, rising unsteadily to my feet as she glides towards me. “Hinata is hurt and unconscious. You have to fly him back to safety!” She lands a short distance from me, avoiding the trees so her beast has enough space to canter to a stop. 

Ignoring what I said, she dismounts and rushes towards me anxiously. “Corrin, I’ve been looking for you everywhere!” she yells before she even reaches me, and I frown at the worry in her voice. Something is wrong. She puts her hand on my shoulder. “Sister, they have Jakob.”

The blood drains from my head… I feel faint. The earth spins, and I have to put my hand to a tree to steady myself before I lose my balance entirely. “What?” I choke out, confused. “What do you mean?”

“I found Silas on the edge of the battlefield,” she explains. “And he told me Jakob was with him. They knocked him over the head and dragged him away! Silas tried to stop them, but there were too many. He said they would have captured _him_ , if he hadn’t managed to escape before they could…” I can’t hear her anymore as she continues to speak. My ears are ringing, and I’m dizzy. I’m terribly… I’m terribly dizzy.

They took Jakob. He could be… He could be… I cover my mouth with my hand, run my fingers through my hair. No. No. Impossible. He’s alive. He has to be. They would keep him, question him. He has to be alive. He has to b—

“Corrin, look out!” Hinoka shoves me aside before I can react, and a sword buries itself into the tree I had been using for support. I land on the ground a few feet away, and Hinoka lunges at my attacker with an angry cry. Both of them go down weaponless, fighting in the dirt, and I’m on my feet, reaching for Yato before I realize it’s still on the ground beside Hinata. Hinoka strikes the Nohrian, but he snarls, and kicks her off him and towards my blade. I have my dragonstone in hand, but I don’t want to use it. I can hardly think in beast form even with the help of the stone, and I have to keep this enemy alive…. Hinoka grabs my sword, rushing towards the Nohrian who is stumbling back, and I’m suddenly screaming, _“Don’t kill him!”_

Hinoka freezes, the point of my blade at the chest of the mercenary. 

Her eyes flick towards me, and then she twists the sword in her grip and slams the pommel against his head. He collapses, unconscious, and Hinoka takes a step back, breathless and dirty, and I whisper my gratitude.

***

“Corrin, please, you can’t do this,” Hinoka pleads.

“Yes, I can,” I hiss. “And I will.” I’m pacing. I can’t sit still. It’s already been four hours since my sister told me Jakob was taken, and the trackers say there are too many traces of escaping Nohrians. It’s impossible to know which to follow. 

Our prisoner, whose name we have learned is Hendrik, says he knows where they took him, but he won’t say any more. He could be lying to keep his neck, or he could honestly know what they’re doing with Jakob. I can’t be certain which is true… Not unless I force the truth out of him through any means necessary.

“Big sister, p-please sit down. I n-need to see to y-your arm,” Sakura stammers, her voice trembling.

“I’m fine!” I yell probably louder than I should have. Sakura’s expression falls, and regret washes over me. This isn’t her fault. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” I fall into a chair and lay my arms on the rests. Sakura creeps over to me, stuttering her forgiveness, and examines the laceration.

“Let me do it, Corrin,” Ryoma, leaning on the doorframe with a dark look in his eyes, finally speaks.

“ _Nobody_ should have to,” Takumi exclaims, gesturing in frustration. “Just take the prisoner back to the dungeon and leave him there for a little while. In a couple of days he’ll be ready to talk—“

“We don’t _have_ days,” I counter, slamming my fist on the chair and startling Sakura with my outburst. “Jakob could be d—“ I cut myself off, take a breath, and try again. “He could be gone by then, and in the meantime, the Nohrians will surely torture him for information, and you’re telling me we can’t do the same to rescue him?”

Silence fills the room, no one quite willing to deny that I’m right. 

“Let me do it, Corrin,” Ryoma repeats softly.

I look at him. “No. Thank you, Ryoma, but no. Jakob is… He’s mine, and I will be the one to question the prisoner.” I rise to my feet before anyone can argue, Sakura just barely managing to heal my wound before I do. “I appreciate that you’re all trying to help, but honestly, we’re just wasting time. I need to do this now before Jakob _can’t_ be found.” 

Turning on my heel, I leave the tent, trying my best to appear confident that this is, actually the right thing to do…

We’ve set up a makeshift camp rather than returning to the deep realms. The wounded are still being tended to, and the hungry are being fed, and the prisoner is being guarded.

“Saizo!” I call, searching for him outside, assuming he’ll be nearby. 

“What do you need?” 

His growling voice comes from behind me, and I turn, finally used to his unexpected appearances. “I need you to escort the prisoner into the woods and stand guard while I question him.” His one good eye examines me, some sort of understanding there deep within. Then he tilts his head in acknowledgement, and I return the nod before turning to find where they’re keeping Hendrik.

Subaki is guarding him, I see. When I say his name his mouth curves into a smile, but when he sees me, it quickly drops into seriousness. “Lady Corrin, are you here to speak to the prisoner?”

“Yes,” I reply. “Saizo and I are taking him into the woods.”

“… Into… the woods?” he questions.

“Yes,” I snap, my patience short, half from fear for Jakob and half from fear of what I’m about to do. “I’m going to question him a little more _strongly_ than the others have. Now if you would please move aside…”

“O-Of course,” Subaki murmurs, his perfect control shaken. “Can I… help with anything?”

“No. Thank you. You may go.” I throw back the tent flap, looking in on the man tied hand and foot. He has light brown hair and strong arms… He glances up at me, and I think I see a flicker of fear in his blue eyes before he snarls and spits in the dirt.

I drop the flap and turn around, my heart suddenly pounding in my temples. I raise my hand to my head, and try to swallow past my tightening throat. I was so sure this had to be done… But he’s just a man. An enemy, but still, only human, and I’m terrified. Can I even do this? I’ve done things I never thought I would be able to do. Hurt people. Killed people. But… torture a defenseless man, trapped and afraid, possibly with a family of his own somewhere out there waiting for him to return?

“Corrin,” Saizo speaks from next to me, and I open my eyes, trying and failing to appear confident in front of him. “All you have to do,” he murmurs, “is think of why you’re doing this.”

“W-What?”

He gestures at the small tent Hendrik sits in and repeats, “think of why you’re doing it.”

And I suddenly understand. I understand exactly what he means, and I understand something else. At some point, Saizo has experienced the same doubts I just felt… This will not be the first time he’s seen a man tortured. With new eyes, I study the quiet ninja. Of course I should have guessed… and perhaps somewhere in the back of my mind, I already did. Why else would I have chosen him out of all the army to help me? 

I swallow and tilt my head silently then close my eyes and think of why I’m doing this…

It’s an easy answer.

Jakob… I’m doing this for him… to save him… so I think of him, and I think of why he’s worth it. Memories and sensations flash through my mind…

The boy with the white hair crying in his room… The young butler kneeling before me and swearing his fealty. The honeysuckle in my room every day, and the quiet looks he gave me when he thought I wasn’t looking. His soft smile, and his constant presence. His condescending opinion of the silly books Felicia always chose when it was her turn in our book club. His voice… His laugh... His warm, soft scent. His violet eyes, and the way I looked at _him_ when I thought he wasn’t watching. 

Gods, I love Jakob. I’ve loved him for so long.

And I never said a word. 

I have to get him back… I _have_ to get him back. He’s being held and probably hurt, and if I know him, probably thinking of nothing but me. My heart twists cruelly in my chest, and I know I will go to whatever lengths necessary to bring him home to me… Even if that means I will no longer be worthy of his affection once I do…

When I open my eyes and the resolve has returned, I can tell Saizo understands that I’m ready. He doesn’t say a word but disappears into the tent, returning with Hendrik in his grasp.

“We’re going for a little walk in the woods,” I tell him, a devilish smile curling the edges of my lips, and I turn, walking into the woods without a backwards glance.


	2. Chapter 2

There’s blood on my hands, and I don’t mean figuratively. I kneel by a river, scrubbing it from my fingernails.

My hair is a mess, and I’m completely exhausted, Hendrik’s screams reverberating in my mind until my head _aches_ with every beat of my heart.

He lasted far longer than I had hoped, and night has completely fallen, the darkness of the moon meaning there’s but the light of the stars to show the tears on my face. I blame them on my weariness, but in truth they’re for my soul and for the beast I’ve become and for the man whose flesh I cut, whose eyeball I plucked, using the gift of my healing to keep him alive and conscious as I did it… listening to his cries and knowing the whole camp must be able to hear them. 

I vomited up what little I had in my stomach long ago… and I know those images in my head will remain there for as long as I live. I will suffer for what I’ve done… Rightfully, as I deserve such a punishment…

But in the end, he broke. He told me everything I needed to know and then some. When I was done with him, I let Saizo carry him off to be tended. Of course his right eye socket will remain empty, and perhaps his mind will never become quite _whole_ again, but his flesh… his flesh will be restored, and his eye bandaged, and the pain dissolved through magic.

And now I can rescue Jakob… Rescue him, heal him, and finally be the friend to him he has always been to me by letting him go and sending him off to find a real life far away from the monster this war has made me…

“Corrin?” Hinoka’s coarse voice sounds cautiously from behind me, and I wipe my face with my hands, smudging away the tears.

When I reply, my voice is stiff and firm. “What are you doing out here?”

“I… I came to check on you,” she answers softly, laying a hand on my back. I shrug her off, rising to my feet and turning.

“I’m fine,” I lie. “I learned what I needed to know. We have to go get Jakob.” I sway on my feet with weariness, and Hinoka grabs me before I collapse. 

“Sister, no!” She exclaims. “You have to rest. Let us—“

I push away from her, yelling, “I’m fine!” and stumble in the direction of camp before she can reply. 

She chases after me, walks beside me, but I pay her no mind. “You’re _not_ ok, Corrin. Let me _help_ you—“

“No, just… just leave me alone.” She makes a sound of desperation, but falls silent afterwards, following me anxiously all the way to camp.

Everyone is awake. I don’t know why I expected them to be asleep, but they’re huddled in small groups talking in muffled voices. 

I take a deep breath and plunge through them, heading towards the middle of camp. Almost instantly, their murmurs die down and silence sweeps through them. They all stop… And watch me walking past them with something strange in their eyes. I glance at their faces, most of them giving me frightened looks or false smiles, and all I want to do is run away.... Hide and never again face another person who knows what I’ve done.

But I can’t. 

So I keep going, pointing at the few men and women I need and calling their names, not watching to see if they follow me but hoping that they do. 

When I reach the bonfire, I turn slowly, half expecting Hinoka to be the only one there, but to my relief, I see the five whose names I called. Kaze, arms crossed, is at the front of the group, with Saizo, Kaden, Setsuna, and Kagero close behind him. At least half of the army is behind them, as well as all of my siblings, concerned expressions on their faces.

“I discovered where Jakob is being kept,” I announce, ignoring the unsurprised murmurs that spread through them at these words. “He’s in a fort roughly an hour’s ride from here. He is to be moved soon, so we must get there and get him out tonight. The five of you and myself will do this, hopefully as quietly as possible…” I let this sink in for a moment before going on. “I know it’s been an incredibly long day, but once we’ve rescued Jakob we can finally rest.”

Those whom I’ve chosen remain silent, Kaze nodding, the other two spies wearing masks of stone, the kitsune looking surprised that he’s been chosen, and Setsuna barely paying attention as per usual. “We leave in an hour. I suggest you eat, collect your things, and rest for as long as you can before we go… That’s all,” I end softly.

Saizo disappears first, soon followed by the other four, and I walk away as well, trying my best not to trip over my own feet in the process. I sense more than see my family close behind me. When I enter my tent and slide into my chair, the others file in after me, uninvited. 

“I’m coming with you too,” Takumi declares.

“No, you’re not,” I sigh, far too exhausted both physically and emotionally to get into an argument with my little brother. 

“I’m stronger than I look,” he counters, and I rub my eyes.

“It’s not about strength, Takumi. It’s about stealth. The five I chose are coming. No one else.”

He huffs, but I ignore him. “Would everyone please leave. I need to try to rest while I can.”

“I brought you some food,” Azura murmurs, offering me a bowl of steaming stew. My stomach twists at the sight of it, images of Hendrik’s gore flashing through my mind, and I tell her I don’t want it.

“Y-You have to k-keep up your strength,” Sakura stammers. 

“I’m ok. I’m ok! How many times do I have to repeat it? Will everyone please just leave me alone!”

I keep my eyes shut. I don’t want to see the frustration on their faces, and I can’t bring myself to care enough to be civil right now. I rub my forehead and try futilely to work away the hammering inside my skull.

A few moments of silence, and someone’s hand lands on my shoulder. Ryoma voice gently speaks. “We just want you to know that we’re here for you… Always.”

The whole bloody, awful day destroyed my fortitude long ago, and there was no one I wanted to talk to more than Jakob… and he was gone… And I had… I had done something _awful_ to find him… and now this compassion and love given when I don’t deserve it is just… It’s killing me. Somehow it’s making everything so much worse and tearing down my mask of strength. I can’t hold back much longer. My eyes hurt with the need to cry… I keep my eyes covered, blinking back the tears as hard as I can and listening to the footfalls of my family as they tread from my tent, leaving me to the solitude I requested. 

But when they are gone my shoulders shake, and my pain shows itself in the tortured grimace on my face and the sobs I fail to silence.

***

The little rest I managed to get was filled with the screams of the dying or the tortured. I woke up covered in sweat, my muscles tensed and shaking, and I was suddenly more afraid of sleep than of exhaustion.

I rubbed the dry salt from my eyes and quickly left the tent. The others were already waiting for me. Hinoka pulled me into a hug before I could stop her and told me to be safe… Then we climbed up onto the horses we had borrowed and left, riding hard for the first half hour or so.

After that we slowed, Kaze and Kagero scouting ahead. In another fifteen minutes they reported the fortress, and we all dismounted, tying the horses in a grove out of sight from the trail. 

And now we’ve arrived… The adrenaline is rushing through my veins again, and I no longer feel dead on feet… What I _do_ feel, however, is sick with fear. Fear that we’ll be caught, yes, but mostly fear that Jakob won’t be here, or worse… only his body will.

Setsuna hides in the trees with her bow just in case, and I pray to the gods she won’t fall into a trap before we return. Saizo and Kagero have already silently disposed of the guards, and we’ve crept inside the crumbling structure, Kaden padding beside me on fox paws, Kaze just ahead of him.

What we’ll find around the next corner makes my stomach coil. I’m not used to stealth, and I’m half certain there’ll be an ambush waiting for us. Thankfully, we pass each corner without springing any traps, and Kagero, in a voice lower even than a whisper, reports a room of sleeping Nohrians.

I hold my breath when we pass by the hall… but no alarm sounds...

We make our way past them, working lower and deeper into the ruin. There we find a dungeon-like place with a guard asleep in a chair in front of a door. Like a ghost, Saizo materializes behind him, a dagger held to his throat, and despite the carnage I’ve seen today alone, I look away when the knife pierces flesh and avoid the blood on the stone floor when I step over him.

The door is of course locked, but Kaze kneels before it, tools in hand while the others keep silent watch. In moments, it clicks, and I push through it, desperate and afraid.

In the darkness I can barely see, but I speak Jakob’s name in a harsh whisper, moving forward with my hands outstretched before me. At first, there’s nothing but silence, and irrational fear crawls up my throat. I whisper his name again… I hear a clink of metal on metal, and that blessed voice speaks my name with obvious disbelief.

With that one word alone, the last twelve hours of misery simply disappear, and my whole body shakes with relief. I stumble to the opposite wall, vaguely seeing his silhouette in the darkness. My hands find the top of his head, and I realize he’s kneeling on the floor. I fall to my knees before him, wrapping my arms around him before I can stop myself, and murmuring his name. He trembles in my arms. “Corrin… gods, I thought I’d never see you again.”

His jaw brushes softly across my cheek, and I can hardly believe that he’s real, that he’s here, that he’s ok. In that moment, all I ever want to do is hold him forever and never let go, and I’m almost crying yet again. I touch him, I dig my fingers into his hair, and trace the contours of his face. I nestle against him, my nose in his neck, my thumbs brushing his cheeks, and tell him, “I would never let them have you, Jakob. No matter what I have to do, I will always find you. _Always_.”

He repeats my name like a chant. The metal clanks again, and suddenly I realize he’s not returning my embrace. I pull back, running my hands up his arms and feeling the chains that bind his wrists above him. Immediately, I call for Kaze. The ninja appears and even in the darkness makes quick work of the locks. Jakob lowers his arms with a groan, and hardly giving himself a chance to recover, wraps his arms around me and crushes me to him tightly. He doesn’t say a word but he clutches me so tightly, breathing my scent so deeply, that all I can do is whimper, burying my hands in his shirt.

“I’m sorry, my Lady,” Kaze quietly interjects. “But we should get out of here before someone wakes up.”

With those words, the world comes back, and I know Kaze is right. Reluctantly, I push from Jakob, but he touches my shoulders, holds my hands, traces my fingers like he’s making certain I’m here. “Can you walk, Jakob? Are you hurt?”

“I—I—Yes, I think I can walk.” My heart twists with worry at his hesitation, but when my arm goes around his back to help him, he makes a small sound of discomfort, and I feel stickiness on his shirt. My stomach drops, and I quickly shift, helping him to his feet without touching his back. 

“Kaden,” I murmur. The large fox appears by my side almost before I’ve finished saying his name. “Kaden, do you think you can carry Jakob?”

“I-I’m sure I can manage—“ Jakob starts.

“Can you, Kaden?”

“Hm,” he mutters, sniffing my hand. “I can do that, but you’ll owe me a favor when we get back.”

I almost smile for the first time in twenty-four hours. Scratching briefly behind his ears, I agree to his terms and, ignoring Jakob’s complaints, help him onto the fox.

We creep from the room and through the fortress halls, passing silently by the snoring, shifting Nohrians, my hands shaking and halfway to grabbing my sword at the slightest sounds. 

When we reach fresh air without setting off an alarm, I send Kaze to retrieve Setsuna, who managed to get herself tangled in a vine. Then we find our horses and head back to camp, constantly glancing over our shoulders, but never seeing anyone.

Somehow, we did it. We rescued Jakob, and I’ve never been so grateful in my entire life.


	3. Chapter 3

Three days have passed… We’re back in the Deep Realms. I promised the army a period of rest, but… Ever since I entrusted Jakob to the hands of the healers when we got back to camp… I haven’t seen him. 

This was by choice. I… I _can’t_ see him. The euphoria that filled me when I rescued him died painfully in my chest the moment we got back to camp… The expressions on the faces of my friends as they watched me were filled with… distrust, disappointment, reassessment, and what I had done hit me again so hard that I suddenly found it difficult to breathe. Hendrick’s screams resounded like shrieking lightening in my head, and when I looked down at my clean hands, all I could see was the blood that had once covered them…

I want to forget about it all so badly and go to Jakob… I long to be as close to him as I was in the Nohrian fortress. Even if I could just see his smile, I know my heart would lift. But every time I consider visiting him, Hendrik stops me… and I know don’t deserve Jakob after what I did.

I talk to Sakura almost every other hour, asking after him, asking how he is and what he’s doing. 

“H-He keeps a-asking f-for you,” is her answer more than once… I swallow past the lump in my throat and tell her I can’t see him, but beg her to keep me updated on his health… She does as I ask, but it’s with confusion and doubt. 

I can’t explain to her, though. I can’t explain to _anyone_. I can’t face the army, and my family is so constantly understanding and sympathetic, I feel sick when they show me kindness that I am not worthy of.

And I am so exhausted because I can’t sleep. I’m afraid of that unconsciousness. The nightmares have always been there since this bloody war began, but in the nights since Jakob was taken, they’ve become so much worse. I wake up screaming or weeping, drenched in sweat, and shaking… It takes me hours to calm down afterwards.

I’d rather stay awake. I have very little to do, though… We’re safe, everyone is already healed or recovering from his wounds… I visited Hinata once. He was unconscious when I tortured Hendrick, so he doesn’t yet look at me with distrust in his eyes. In fact, I was relieved to see his cocky grin had returned, but since that first day, I know he will have heard what happened, so I don’t visit him again.

To keep my hands and mind busy and to keep out of everyone’s way, I checked supplies, I checked equipment, I took a turn in the mess hall, and I’ve done half a dozen other chores, and I’m fast running out of anything to keep me awake.

These long days and sleepless night have worn me down to my last dregs of energy. I’m a mess from weariness. Not to mention trying to fix my own hair after years of Jakob doing it for me… and… and _Jakob_. I worry about him endlessly. He was whipped by his captors so badly his back was only a mess of blood and torn flesh. It made me sick to see what was done to him… Sakura assures me he’ll be alright. She and the other healers stayed up half the night working on him when we got back to camp. She says that after a few more days of simple rest and recovery, he will bear only scars to remember the ordeal… But that doesn’t stop my worry or assuage my guilt. My dear Jakob, _whipped_ fighting _my_ war…

When the morning of the fourth day comes after another night of forced insomnia, I sit in front of my mirror. There are shadows under my dry eyes, and I’m pale, too pale. My hair hangs lifelessly around my face in disarray. I sigh at my reflection, not knowing why I bother anymore. I don’t look like a princess, and I don’t look like a leader, and if I’m honest with myself, I don’t know if I’m fit to be either anymore…

The tap at the door barely registers, but when it comes again, I glance up, startled. Someone knocks a third time, but I hesitate. Facing my family is almost unbearable… But they won’t stop trying if I ignore them. I let out a breath and go to the door, fortifying myself against my brother’s or sister’s over-cheerfulness.

The last person I expect to be on the other side, however, is Jakob, his eyes lowered, his expression dark, his hair hanging in his eyes… But there he stands regardless. My weariness vanishes, and I stand stiffly upright, shaking with nonsensical fear. “J-Jakob,” I murmur.

“…May I come in?” He asks, his voice quiet. Without raising his chin, his violet eyes twitch to mine, and they hypnotize me like a snake’s. The desire to run away multiplies by ten, but I’m trapped in his gaze. Nervously, I run my fingers through my hair.

“Y-You should be resting,” I object.

“I’ve rested enough. May I come in?”

That’s the first time I can remember him being short with me, and my throat tightens. I waver. I know I have to talk to him… and he’s waiting to come in this very moment. My mouth thins, and without saying a word, I open the door wider, stepping aside. Pausing for only a moment, he looks away, gliding past me, and I feel like I can breathe again. I close the door after him, and rest my hand on the knob in an attempt to gather my courage for what comes next.

I turn to face him, and trying to sound strong, I ask him, “What are you doing here?”

His eyes darken even more at my question, but he answers steadily. “I wanted to know what I’ve done wrong.”

“W-Wrong?” Shaking my head in confusion, “You haven’t done anything wrong, Jakob. Why would you think that?”

“Corrin,” the way he says my name makes it sound as if I should know perfectly well what he means… but I don’t so he explains. “I have been your butler since we were children. In all that time I have never felt like a servant. I was… I was your _family_ … and yet after I was rescued, you passed me off to the healers and… I haven’t seen you again until this very moment. You wouldn’t come to me, no matter how many times I asked for you. I was… I was _worried_ about you at first, thinking something must have happened because _surely_ that would be the only reason you would refuse to spare me at least a few minutes… But they assured me again and again that you were ok… and I could only conclude that… that there must be something _I_ did to… to offend you or displease you…”

His words are hurt… confused… And… And my heart is being _crushed_. _Of course_ he would blame himself for this. I should have realized that. I’ve been drowning in my own universe of misery the past few days, and I didn’t even consider what Jakob might be thinking… Just another reason why he needs to go and leave me far behind.

“Oh gods, Jakob, I’m—I’m _so_ sorry I made you feel the way you did.” He looks away, his hair falling in his eyes. More than anything I want to step closer, trail my hand across his cheek and tuck the rebellious lock behind his ear... But there’s blood on my hands. So much blood I can almost feel it dripping from my fingers. My hand clenches into a fist, and stay firmly where I am. “But you _didn’t_ do anything wrong,” I reassure him. “You’ve never done anything wrong, and even if you did, it would never be enough that I would avoid you because of it.” 

He searches for words, glancing around my room as if what he needs might be there somewhere. “Then… Then _why?_ ” He pleads.

Likewise, I similarly struggle to find a way to explain… “You—You deserve more than this war, Jakob… And you deserve more than me. I—I want you to go away… someplace quiet, and make a new life for yourself where you don’t have to be someone’s butler.”

“W-What?” He chokes, stepping towards me, but I’m too afraid of myself to be near him, so I stumble back, knocking into the door behind me, and he stops. His face is pale, almost as pale as mine is, and his expression… I’ve never seen him look so distressed. “…You’re sending me away? _Why?_ ”

“Not sending you away,” I correct. “I’m setting you free.”

“Setting me—“ He shakes his head. “Setting me free? Don’t you realize?” He gestures helplessly, stepping towards me again, and this time I have nowhere to escape to. “I don’t… I don’t _want_ to be free. I just want to be with you! That’s all I’ve _ever_ wanted… I just want to be with you, Corrin...”

I can’t seem to catch my breath. I stare into his dark eyes. Everything he says is like another dagger piercing my heart, and my knuckles swipe at the corners my eyes. “No, don’t say that... _No_ , Jakob! Haven’t you heard what I’ve done?”

“What you…?” He searches my eyes. “You mean what you did to find me? … Yes, I—Yes, I know what you did…”

“Well don’t you see then? I—I— _tortured_ him—I tortured him _brutally_ … I can’t—I can’t just pretend that never happened. I can’t forget what I did!”

He pauses, something strange passing over his face. “… So what you told me in the fortress was a lie? That ‘no matter what you have to do, you will find me’?”

“N-No, of course that wasn’t a lie…” I stammer, looking down. “That wasn’t a lie… I _would_ do it again if I had to. I’d do it a hundred times over if you needed me… But that—That doesn’t make me any less of a monster, Jakob. I _hear_ his tortured cries my head, and I can’t be happy, and I don’t—I don’t _deserve_ you.” I cover my face with my hands, and I just… I can’t talk anymore. I wish he wasn’t here. I wish I was alone, and I wish none of this had happened in the first place, and I wish I could go back to being miserable but knowing that Jakob was in the infirmary a short walk away because now he will leave. He has to leave, and I have to be alone again, and I don’t know how much longer I can fight.

Jakob closes the space between us, but he doesn’t speak and he doesn’t touch me. He stands silently before me… and I don’t know what he’s thinking, and I don’t know what he’s going to do, but I don’t look, not even when he asks me a question in a low voice.

“… Do you love me, Corrin?”

With those words, it’s like something _twists_ inside of me. I can hardly stand upright, my throat tightening, my fingers swiping aside my tears, and my mind yelling _that isn’t fair!_ “You can’t—You can’t ask me to answer that!”

But he takes my chin in his hand and turns my face towards his so that I can’t avoid him. “You must answer it,” he replies. “You _must_ answer it, Corrin…” And again he asks, “Do you love me?”

Gods, I do. Of course I do. More than anything. “I—I—“ I swallow, searching his eyes. His thumb slides across my chin, and I answer him. “Y-Yes. I love you, Jakob. I love you, but—but you don’t understand. I—I can’t—“

He makes a small sound deep in his throat and cuts me off by covering my mouth with his. Shock shudders down my spine and rages across my skin like fire, and I tremble. Half of me wants to cling to him, but the other half is yelling at me and telling me to back away and saying I can’t—I can’t—I can’t do this to him!

I try to push away. I manage to break the kiss, but I’m trapped against the door with Jakob before me, and all he does is stroke my cheek. I shake my head. I stammer something out, but I don’t know what I’m saying, and all he does is whisper, “No… No, Corrin.” Then his lips press hard against mine, and my hands clench in his shirt. I’m growing weak, but I still try to protest. The moment my lips part his hands slide into my hair, his fingernails scrape along my scalp, and his kiss deepens. My words turn into a moan, a mix of helplessness and… and something else.

He pushes me a little harder against the door, and my thoughts start growing fuzzy. He tilts his head—nose grazing mine—and all I have time for is a strangled breath before he kisses me from a different angle. My legs tremble, and I try my hardest to stay upright… His every touch is making my skin burn hotter, my heart lift higher, and the objections in my head grow fainter… 

His warm, fresh scent fills my nose, and it hits me how much I’ve truly missed him... My emotions have been rising and falling like the tides, and I’m utterly exhausted from lack of sleep and… Gods, all I want to do is give up… _give in_. I love him, and I need him… Now more than ever. He’s… he’s standing here kissing me, and I’m holding back... Gods, why am I holding back?

My hands slide slowly up his chest… curl around his neck, and suddenly… I’m kissing him back… 

He groans, his hands twining around my waist and pulling me closer and tighter until my body is molded to his. Our kisses are growing desperate… We cling to each other because we can’t get enough, and I’m getting dizzy… dizzy because I can’t breathe… and I can’t think… and, heavens above, I don’t care!

His hands curl into fists in the back of my shirt. It feels like my heart might explode in my chest, but nothing matters. Nothing in the world matters but this moment, and I never want to let this go… I never want to let _him_ go…

But when we’re both lightheaded for oxygen, his lips move to my chin… then slowly trail up my cheek as I fight to catch my breath. In the back of my mind, that voice repeats itself, telling me I should stop him. I know I should. I know I… I shouldn’t let him win, but I just can’t. I _can’t_ anymore.

He kisses my jaw, works his way to my ear, then starts down the side of my neck, burying himself in my hair. “Corrin…” he whispers, and with just that one word he tells me he has so much to say that he doesn’t even know where to start. He pulls himself away enough to look at me. “… Corrin… you must know how much I love you…” He stops for a moment as if overcome by the need to softly nuzzle my cheek, letting out a sigh against my skin. 

“Jakob…” I murmur, not knowing how make him understand how much I… I want this, but it will… it will surely hurt him, and I don’t want him to suffer anymore.

“Please,” he whispers before I can form the words. “Don’t say anything… I can’t _imagine_ a life without you… Please, Corrin… just let me love you.” He kisses my face, kisses my cheek and my nose and my lips, whispering “Let me love you,” and I… I just don’t have the strength to say no any longer.

***

It was hard, climbing out of the hole I had dug for myself and returning to a real life… talking to my family and talking to my friends and slowly, _slowly_ gaining their trust once more. It was a struggle… and it took time… But Jakob was constantly there, constantly sustaining me and challenging anyone who might question me.

Still, some nights I sat in my room and thought nothing could ever return to a semblance of how it once was… Fortunately, I was wrong. Friends trusted me again. Family stopped worrying, and… I married Jakob. 

It was… It was the happiest day of my life. Never had I thought there lived a less deserving person, and yet, Jakob told me every day how much he loved me… I still don’t know how somehow, despite my atrocities and despite my selfishness and despite my self-loathing, he broke through my walls and loved me enough to commit to me forever… All I can say is I’m grateful. I don’t think I would have made it through another day if he had not found me when he did and forced me to let him back into my life.

Despite all the happiness I’ve had since that difficult night, the nightmares still come. I wake up screaming and break down crying, but Jakob is there, curling his arms around me and kissing my face or hands or shoulder and whispering ten thousand reassurances in my ear. Sometimes I don’t believe him. I try to claw out of his grip, but he won’t let me. He holds me tightly until I give up, and I cling to him instead of pushing away. He comforts me until I can sleep again, and I fall into unconsciousness wrapped in his arms.

I do not know how I came to deserve him… but I love him. And he loves me. We may not have a perfect fairytale happily ever after, but it’s close, and that’s good enough for me.


End file.
